Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well,
So he decided to see a doctor.
"Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu.
The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu
that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the
only cure was testicular removal.
"No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!"
The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also
advised him that testicular removal was the only cure.
Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment.
Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around
the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last
opinion from someone he could trust.
The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey."
"What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer.
"Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls."
"Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu,
"those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
Following the tragic death of the Human Cannonball at the Northam Show, a spokesman said “We’ll struggle to get another man of the same calibre.”
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a wank.I said “Son, that’s 3 schools this year. You want to stop before you’re banned from teaching altogether.”
Question – are there too many immigrants in Britain? 17% said yes; 11% said No; 72% said “I am not understanding the question please.”
Prince William says he doesn’t want the traditional fruit cake at his wedding. Prince Phillip says he doesn’t give a toss, he’s still going.
The cost of living has now got so bad that my wife is having sex with me because she can’t afford batteries!
Last night I reached for my liquid Viagra and accidentally swigged from a bottle of White-out. I woke up this morning with a huge correction.
Some bastard’s just pinched a pair of my wife’s knickers off the washing line. She’s not bothered about the knickers but she wants the 12 pegs back.
Some Japanese tourists just asked me to take a picture of them. When I said “Wave” they ran like the clappers!
You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
__________
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
__________
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
'Husband Wanted'.
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
__________
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
__________
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
__________
A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
__________
A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
__________
Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'
__________
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
__________
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
__________
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
__________
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
__________
'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'
__________
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.A blind man joins them after a few minutes.When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.'
Irish Medical Dictionary
The Irish have the lowest stress rate
because they do not take medical terminology seriously ...
Medical Term
Irish Definition
Artery
-
The study of paintings
Bacteria
-
Back door to cafeteria
Barium
-
What doctors do when patients die
Benign
-
What you be, after you be eight
Caesarean Section
-
A neighbourhood in Rome
Cat scan
-
Searching for Kitty
Cauterize
-
Made eye contact with her
Colic
-
A sheep dog
Coma
-
A punctuation mark
Dilate
-
To live long
Enema
-
Not a friend
Fester
-
Quicker than someone else
Fibula
-
A small lie
Impotent
-
Distinguished, well known
Labour Pain
-
Getting hurt at work
Medical Staff
-
A Doctor's cane
Morbid
-
A higher offer
Nitrates
-
Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Well, here it comes."
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female
teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track (Randwick) to
learn about thoroughbred horses .
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could
reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,
and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their
'privates' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
well endowed.
Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race.
But I appreciate your help.'
A family is driving down the freeway behind a garbage truck when suddenly a dildo dislodges itself and smacks on the cars windscreen. "What was that mum" young Dougie asked from the backseat. Mum says "That was an insect Dougie" to which Dougie replied "I'm surprised the insect got of the ground with a **** that big". _________________ For my fishing adventures click here: Landbased fishing rocks !!
an architect's wife wants to go out for tea with the girls but is afraid her husband will struggle with their 6 month old baby. "Of course I can handle it " he says "I design buildings every day, I can lookafter our baby for a few hours" so she reluctantly goes. After a couple of hours she is so worried she goes home to find the husband dragging the baby up and down the bath by the ears! "THATS NOT RIGHT , YOUR SUPPOST TO SUPPORT HER HEAD AND CRADLE HER NECK" "I'm not putting my hands in there" hubby says "WHY?" she asks ................."have you felt how hot that F@#%ing water is!"
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