Aboriginal Tracker Somewhere between Karratha and Onslow
An Australian tour guide was showing a group of American tourists the Top End
On their way to Kakadu he was describing the abilities of the Australian
Aborigine to track man or beast over land, through the air, under the sea.
The Americans were incredulous.
Later in the day, the tour rounded a bend on the highway and discovered, lying in the
middle of the road, an Aborigine..
He had one ear pressed to the white line whilst his left leg was held high in the air
The tour stopped and the guide and the tourists gathered around the prostrate Aborigine.
"Jacky," said the tour guide,"what are you tracking and what are you listening for?"
The aborigine replied,
"Down the road about 25 miles is a 1971 Baliant Ute. It a red one.. The left pront tyre is bald.
The pront end is out of whack, and him got bloody dents in every panel..
There are 9 black fellas in the back, all drinking warm sherry.
There are 3 kangaroos on the roof rack and 6 dogs on the front seat."
The American tourists moved forward, astounded by this precise and detailed knowledge.
"God man, how do you know all that?," asked one.
The Aborigine replied......... because I fell out off the pucken thing about half an hour ago!".
I hope this helps blokes who are about to retire......
Read it all ... there is clear message for everyone!
It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger. When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are
over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.
My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for
Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.
Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show
her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets
home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always
says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I
don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me
when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so
eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked
food when I get in.
She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's
usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do
what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening
that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as
it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.
Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that
it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we
take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I
tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she
won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch
completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my
strong points.
When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn
and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does
annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I
try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a
nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making
one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.
I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm
not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than
I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you
just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife
because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well
worthwhile. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other.
EDITOR'S NOTE:
Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley
screwdriver rammed up his arse with only 2 inches showing.
His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defence
that he accidentally sat on it.
The Reverend Francis Norton woke up Sunday morning and realizing it was an exceptionally beautiful and sunny early spring day, decided he just had to play golf. So... he told the Associate Pastor that he was feeling sick and convinced him to say Mass for him that day.
As soon as the Associate Pastor left the room, Father Norton headed out of town to a golf course about forty miles away. This way he knew he wouldn't accidentally meet anyone he knew from his parish. Setting up on the first tee, he was alone. After all, it was Sunday morning and everyone else was in church!
At about this time, Saint Peter leaned over to the Lord while looking down from the heavens and exclaimed, "You're not going to let him get away with this, are you?"
The Lord sighed, and said, "No, I guess not."
Just then Father Norton hit the ball and it shot straight towards the pin, dropping just short of it, rolled up and fell into the hole. It WAS A 420 YARD HOLE IN ONE! St. Peter was astonished. He looked at the Lord and asked, "Why did you let him do that?"
The Lord smiled and replied, "Who's he going to tell?"
A Catholic guy goes into the confessional box after years being away from the Church.
There's a fully equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the shelf of one wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and chocolates and the other wall has pornographic pictures of a buxom blond.
He hears a priest come in:
"Father, forgive me for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession but I must first admit that the confessional box is much
more inviting than it used to be".
The priest replies, "Get out, you idiot. You're on my side".
A Saudi couple, Ahmed and Layla, preparing for their wedding, meet with
their Mullah for counseling.
The Mullah asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
Ahmed asks, "We realize it's tradition in Islam for men to dance with men,
and women to dance with women. But, at our wedding reception, we'd like
your permission to dance together."
"Absolutely not," says the Mullah. "It's immoral. Men and women always dance
separately."
"So after the ceremony I can't even dance with my own wife?"
"No," answered the Mullah, "It's forbidden in Islam."
"Well, okay," says Ahmed, "What about sex? Can we finally have sex?"
"Of course!" replies the Mullah, "Allah Akbar! (GOD is great) Sex is OK
within marriage, to have children!"
"What about different positions?" asks the man.
"Allah Akbar! Mafi Mushkila (no problem)," says the Mullah.
"Woman on top?" Ahmed asks.
"Sure," says the Mullah. "Allah Akbar. Go for it!"
"Doggy style?"
"Sure! Allah Akbar!"
"On the kitchen table?"
"Yes, yes! Allah Akbar!"
"Can I do it with all my four wives together on rubber sheets with a bottle
of hot oil, a couple of vibrators,leather harnesses, a bucket of honey and a
porno video?"
"You may indeed.. Allah Akbar!"
"Can we do it standing up?"
"No, absolutely not!" says the Mullah."
"Why not?" asks the man.
"Because that could lead to dancing!"
An Old Jewish man is walking down the street one afternoon when he sees a woman with perfect breasts.
He says to her, "Hey miss, would you let me BITE your breasts for $100?"
"Are you nuts?!" she replies, and keeps walking away.
He turns around, runs around the block and gets to the corner before she does.
"Would you let me bite your breasts for $1,000?" he asks again.
"Listen you; I'm not that kind of woman! Got it?"
So the little old Jewish man runs around the next block and faces her again.
"Would you let me bite your breasts - just once - for $10,000?!"
She thinks about it for a while and says, "Hmmmmm, $10,000... Ok, just once, but not here. Let's go to that dark alley over there."
So they go into the alley, where she takes off her blouse to reveal the most perfect breasts in the world. As soon as he sees them, he grabs them and starts caressing them, fondling them slowly, kissing them, licking them, burying his face in them - but not biting them.
The woman finally gets annoyed and asks, 'Well? Are you gonna bite them or not?'
"Nah," says the little old Jewish man... "Costs too much!"
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