HIS AND HER DIARY FOR THE SAME DAY:

thrillseeker · Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2011 8:42 am Post subject:

Brothel Trip

An elderly man goes into a brothel and tells the madam he would like a young girl for the night.
Surprised, she looks at the ancient man and asks how old he is.
'I'm 90 years old,' he says.
'90!' replies the woman. 'Don't you realize you've had it?'
'Oh, sorry,' says the old man. 'How much do I owe you?'

thrillseeker · Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2011 8:57 am Post subject:

Catholic Dog
Muldoon lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company.. One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,
'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor creature?'
Father Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an animal in the church....
But there are some Baptists down the lane, and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something for the creature.'
Muldoon said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think $5,000 is enough to donate to them for the service?'
Father Patrick exclaimed, 'Sweet Mary, Mother of Jesus! Why didn't ya tell me the dog was Catholic?

_Gazza_ · Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2011 9:31 am Post subject: Re:

thrillseeker · Posted: Mon Oct 10, 2011 2:37 pm Post subject:

Confession
An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:
Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren.
Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitch-hiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'
Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'
Man: 'What sins?'
Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'
Man: 'I'm Jewish.'
Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'
Man: 'I'm 92 years old ..... I'm telling everybody!'

thrillseeker · Posted: Wed Oct 12, 2011 2:43 pm Post subject:

A man walks into his bedroom and sees his wife packing a suitcase.

He asks, "What are you doing?"

She answers, "I'm moving to New York. I heard that prostitutes there get paid $400 a night for doing what I do for you for free."

A little later, on her way out, the wife walks past the bedroom and sees her husband packing his bag. When she asks him where he is going, he replies,

"I'm coming too. I want to see how you can live on $800 a year."

thrillseeker · Posted: Wed Oct 19, 2011 7:29 am Post subject:

Nothing like a good Bible story to make your day.

How Adam Got Eve

Adam was hanging around the garden of Eden feeling very lonely.

So, God asked him, 'What's wrong with you?'

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said that He was going to make Adam a companion

and that it would be a woman.

He said, 'This pretty lady will gather food for you, she will cook for you,

and when you discover clothing, she will wash them for you

She will always agree with every decision you make and she will not nag you,

and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement.

She will praise you!

She will bear your children.

and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

'She will NEVER have a headache and will freely give you love and

passion whenever you need it.'

Adam asked God, 'What will a woman like this cost?'

'An arm and a leg.'

Then Adam asked, 'What can I get for a rib

Of course the rest is history..... .......!! !!

thrillseeker · Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2011 7:11 am Post subject:

SAY A PRAYER
Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his
Grandmother's house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served.
When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away.
'Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer.' said his mother.

'I don't need to,' the boy replied. 'Of course, you do.' his mother
insisted. 'We always say a prayer before eating at our house.'
'That's at our house.' Johnny explained. 'But this is Grandma's house and she knows how to cook!

jb2020 · Posted: Thu Oct 20, 2011 1:32 pm Post subject:

what do you call a gay dinosaur?

- a dinosorearse

thrillseeker · Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2011 7:11 am Post subject:

An Australian, an Irishman and a New Zealander are in a bar at Bondi.

They're staring at another man sitting on his own at a table in the corner.
He's so familiar, and not recognising him is driving them mad.

They stare and stare, until suddenly the Irishman twigs: 'My God, it's Jesus!'

Sure enough, it is Jesus, nursing a pint.

Thrilled, they send him over a pint of Guinness, a pint of Fosters and a pint of bitter.

Jesus accepts the drinks, smiles over at the three men, and drinks the pints slowly, one after another.

After he's finished the drinks, Jesus approaches the trio.

He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness.

When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement: 'My God! The arthritis I've had for 30 years is gone. It's a miracle!'

Jesus then shakes the Aussie's hand, thanking him for the lager.

As he lets go, the man's eyes widen in shock.

'Strewth mate, the bad back I've had all my life is completely gone! It's A Miracle.'
Jesus then approaches the New Zealander who says,

'Back off, mate, I'm on disability benefit.

thrillseeker · Posted: Fri Oct 21, 2011 7:13 am Post subject:

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach.

He had no arms and no legs.

Three women, from England , Wales , and Scotland , were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The English woman said "Have you ever had a hug?"

The man said "No," so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The Welsh woman said, "Have you ever had a kiss?"

The man said, "No," so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The Scottish woman came to him and said, "'ave ya ever been f****d, laddie?"

The man broke into a big smile and said, "No".

She said, "Aye, well ya will be when the tide comes in."