A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a draft beer.
'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.
'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home from the bar last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything! Me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'
'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!', exclaimed the Bartender. 'Was she pretty?'
Gets out of bed one morning, goes down stairs and demands whats for breakfast.
His mother retorts " have you done your jobs yet?"
"Well no breakfast until you do!"
Johnny drags himself up and stamps outside.
Some time later he returns and sits down in the kitchen only to have a bowl of dry cereal plonked in front of him.
"What the hell is this????"
"Well!!! " His mother exclaims with an exasperated tone.
"You went to feed the chooks and you kicked them around the hen house, so no eggs!!!"
"You went to feed the pigs and you kicked them around the sty, so no bacon!!"
"You went to feed the cow and you kicked her around the yard, so no milk!!!"
"And that's why you're getting dry cereal for breakfast."
Just then, Johnny's father staggered down the steps into the kitchen and nearly tripped over the cat, he hauled back and laid the boot into the poor animal.
Johnny sat there dumbfounded, next he just rolled his eyes and said to his mother...........
A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of
living in Shanghai He buys a small piece of land near to Mt
Isa.. A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie
neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to
the region, so he goes next door but on his way up the
drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front
yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these
'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for
The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is
about to knock on the front door, he looks through the
window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and
then drink it.. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese
custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet
another day. A day later he decides to give it one last
go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man
leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his
head next to the bull's bum.
The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the
Chineseman and says 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with
your Chinese customs ? I come over to welcome you to the
neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after
hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking
it, and then today you have your head so close to that
bull's bum, it could just about shit on you.'
The Chinese man is very taken back and says 'Sorry sir, you
no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these
'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't
'Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the
Chinese man,' He say to become true Australian, I learn to
chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit'
Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!". He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband.
As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife. As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.
Then, the hooker yelled: "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"
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