HIS AND HER DIARY FOR THE SAME DAY:

thrillseeker · Posted: Fri Nov 04, 2011 9:38 am Post subject:

Railroad Sex

A VERY ugly man walks into the bar with a big grin on his face, and orders a draft beer.

'What are you so happy about?', asks the Bartender.

'Well, I'll tell you,' replies the ugly man. 'As you know, I live by the railroad tracks. Well, on my way home from the bar last night, I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, just like in the films. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to make a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything! Me on top, sometimes her on top, every position imaginable!'

'Fantastic, you lucky bastard!', exclaimed the Bartender. 'Was she pretty?'

'Don’t know...Never found the head….

thrillseeker · Posted: Sat Nov 05, 2011 9:37 am Post subject:

Curtis & Leroy saw an ad in the Daily Newspaper in Geelong , Victoria . and bought a mule for $100.

The farmer agreed to deliver the mule the next day.

The next morning the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry, fellows, I have some bad news, the mule died last night"

Curtis & Leroy replied, "Well, then just give us our money back."

The farmer said, "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."

They said, "OK then, just bring us the dead mule."

The farmer asked, "What in the world ya'll gonna do with a dead mule?"

Curtis said, "We gonna raffle him off."

The farmer said, "You can't raffle off a dead mule!"

Leroy said, "We shore can! Heck, we don't hafta tell nobody he's dead!"

A couple of weeks later, the farmer ran into Curtis & Leroy at the local grocery store and asked.

"What'd you fellers ever do with that dead mule?"

They said, ?We raffled him off like we said we wuz gonna do."

Leroy said, ?Shucks, we sold 500 tickets fer two dollars apiece and made a profit of $898."

The farmer said, ?My Lord, didn't anyone complain?"

Curtis said, "Well, the feller who won got upset. So we gave him his two dollars back."

Curtis and Leroy now work for the Gillard government.

They're financial advisers to Wayne Swan.

Sort of explains how Gillard wants to borrow $5 bill. and loan it to the IMF to bail out the biggest economy in the world.
Sort of????

Pretty much the same logic in a carbon tax????????

.

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thrillseeker · Posted: Wed Nov 09, 2011 4:14 pm Post subject:

How to get to Heaven from Scotland ?

I was testing children in my Glasgow Sunday school class to see if they understood the concept of getting into heaven.

I asked them, "If I sold my house and my
car, had a big jumble sale and gave all my
money to the church, would that get me
into heaven?"

"NO!" the children answered.

"If I cleaned the church every day, mowed
the garden and kept everything tidy, would
that get me into heaven?"

Again, the answer was 'No!'

By now I was starting to smile.

"Well, then, if I was kind to animals and
gave sweets to all the children and
loved my husband, would that get me
into heaven?"

Again, they all answered 'No!'

I was just bursting with pride for them.

I continued, "Then how can I get into heaven?"

A six year old boy shouted,

"Yuv got tae be *******' dead"

Kinda brings a wee tear tae yir eye...

thrillseeker · Posted: Tue Nov 15, 2011 1:51 pm Post subject:

A man was walking down the street when he was accosted by a particularly dirty and shabby-looking homeless man who asked him for a couple of dollars for dinner.

The man took out his wallet, extracted ten dollars and asked, "If I give you this money, will you buy some beer with it instead of dinner?"

"No, I had to stop drinking years ago," the homeless man replied.

"Will you use it to go fishing instead of buying food?" the man asked.

"No, I don't waste time fishing," the homeless man said. "I need to spend all my time trying to stay alive."

"Will you spend this on greens' fees at a golf course instead of food?" the man asked.

"Are you NUTS!" replied the homeless man. "I haven't played golf in 20 years!"

"Will you spend the money on a woman in the red light district instead of food?" the man asked.

"What disease would I get for ten lousy bucks?" exclaimed the homeless man.

"Well," said the man, "I'm not going to give you the money. Instead, I'm going to take you home for a terrific dinner cooked by my wife."

The homeless man was astounded. "Won't your wife be furious with you for doing that? I know I'm dirty and I probably smell pretty disgusting."

The man replied, "That's okay. It's important for her to see what a man looks like after he has given up beer, fishing, golf and sex."

thrillseeker · Posted: Wed Nov 23, 2011 8:33 am Post subject:

It's 2012 and it's the Olympics in London ..

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman want to get in, but they haven't got tickets.

The Scotsman picks up a manhole cover, tucks it under his arm and walks to the gate.
" McTavish , Scotland " he says, "Discus" and in he walks.

The Englishman picks up a length of scaffolding and slings it over his shoulder.
" Waddington-Smythe , England " he says, "Pole vault" and in he walks.

The Irishman looks around and picks up a roll of barbed wire and tucks it under his arm. "O'Malley, Ireland " he says, "Fencing."

thrillseeker · Posted: Fri Dec 02, 2011 9:26 am Post subject:

L'll Johnny lives on a farm.

Gets out of bed one morning, goes down stairs and demands whats for breakfast.
His mother retorts " have you done your jobs yet?"
"No!"
"Well no breakfast until you do!"
Johnny drags himself up and stamps outside.
Some time later he returns and sits down in the kitchen only to have a bowl of dry cereal plonked in front of him.
"What the hell is this????"
"Well!!! " His mother exclaims with an exasperated tone.

"You went to feed the chooks and you kicked them around the hen house, so no eggs!!!"
"You went to feed the pigs and you kicked them around the sty, so no bacon!!"
"You went to feed the cow and you kicked her around the yard, so no milk!!!"
"And that's why you're getting dry cereal for breakfast."

Just then, Johnny's father staggered down the steps into the kitchen and nearly tripped over the cat, he hauled back and laid the boot into the poor animal.
Johnny sat there dumbfounded, next he just rolled his eyes and said to his mother...........

"Will you tell him or will I???????

pale ale · Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2011 4:27 pm Post subject:

A Chinese man decides to move to Australia after 50 years of
living in Shanghai He buys a small piece of land near to Mt
Isa.. A few days after moving in the friendly Aussie
neighbour decides to go across and welcome the new guy to
the region, so he goes next door but on his way up the
drive-way he sees the Chinese man running around his front
yard chasing about 10 hens not wanting to interrupt these
'Chinese customs', he decides to put the welcome on hold for
the day.

The next day, he decides to try again, but just as he is
about to knock on the front door, he looks through the
window and sees the Chinese man urinate into a glass and
then drink it.. Not wanting to interrupt another 'Chinese
custom', he decides to put the welcome on hold for yet
another day. A day later he decides to give it one last
go, but on his way next door, he sees the Chinese man
leading a bull down the drive-way, pause, and then put his
head next to the bull's bum.

The Aussie bloke can't handle this, so he goes up to the
Chineseman and says 'Jeez Mate, what the hell is it with
your Chinese customs ? I come over to welcome you to the
neighbourhood, and see you running around the yard after
hens. The next day you are pissing in a glass, and drinking
it, and then today you have your head so close to that
bull's bum, it could just about shit on you.'

The Chinese man is very taken back and says 'Sorry sir, you
no understand, these no Chinese customs I doing, these
Australian Customs.'

'What do you mean mate' says the Aussie, 'Those aren't
Australian customs.'

'Yes they are, man at travel agent tell me' replied the
Chinese man,' He say to become true Australian, I learn to
chase chicks, drink piss, and listen to bull-shit'

_Gazza_ · Posted: Mon Dec 05, 2011 4:34 pm Post subject:

Good one Pale face

pale ale · Posted: Tue Dec 06, 2011 1:23 pm Post subject:

An Aussie bloke was standing at a bar and a beautiful woman was beside him so he leans over and says,

"You remind me of my little toe"

She replies, "What?... You mean I'm small and cute?"

He says "No. I`ll probably bang you on the coffee table later when I'm drunk"

red266 · Posted: Wed Dec 07, 2011 8:24 am Post subject:

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day.

He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow. "One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.

"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.

This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence. She'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!". He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"

One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband.

As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings. He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife. As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual. Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she watched the pair pass.

Then, the hooker yelled: "See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"