There is a Muslim in a taxi...
He asks the driver to turn off the radio and explains that he must not hear music as decreed by his religion for in the time of the prophet, there was no music ... no radio…….
So the driver turns off the radio, stops the car, leans over and opens the back door.
The Arab asks him : "What are you doing?"
The driver replied : "In the time of the prophet there were no taxis, so get out my car and wait for a camel ."
They get along so well that they decide to go to the girl's place.
A few drinks later, the guy takes off his shirt and then washes his hands.
He then takes off his trousers and again washes his hands.
The girl has been watching him and says:
"You must be a dentist."
The guy, surprised, says:
"Yes .... How did you figure that out?"
"Easy.." she replies, "you keep washing your hands."
One thing leads to another and they make love.
After it's over the girl says: "You must be a good dentist."
The guy, now with an inflated ego, says:
"Sure - I'm a good dentist. How did you figure that out?"
The girl replies:.....
A Minnesota farmer named Olie had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot attorney questioned him thus: 'Didn't you say to the state trooper at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?"
Olie responded: 'vell, I'lla tell you vat happened dere. I'd yust loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the lawyer interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Olie said, 'vell, I'd yust got Bessie into da trailer and I vas drivin' down da road.... '
The lawyer interrupted again and said, 'Your Honor, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Olie's answer and said to the attorney: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favorite cow, Bessie'.
Olie said: 'Tank you' and proceeded. 'vell as I vas saying, I had yust loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road vin dis huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side by golly. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder ditch.
By yimminy yahosaphat I vas hurt, purty durn bad, and didn't want to move. An even vurse dan dat, I could hear old Bessie a moanin' and a groanin'. I knew she vas in terrible pain yust by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie a moanin' and a groanin' too, so he vent over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her right between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
A mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made, and everything was picked up. *Then, she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, 'Mum'. With the worst premonition, she opened the envelope and readthe letter, with trembling hands.
'Dear, Mum. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I've been finding real passion with Stacy, and she is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her, because of all her piercings, tattoos, *
*Her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older than I am. But it's not only the passion, Mum. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. *
*We share a dream of having many more children. Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves, and trading it with the other people in the commune, for all the cocaine and ecstasy we want.
In the meantime, we'll pray that science will find a cure for AIDS, so Stacy can get better. She sure deserves it!! Don't worry Mum, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to visit, so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Nicholas.
PS: Mum, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the school report that's on my desk.
I love you! Call when it is safe for me to come home.
The Australian Poetry Competition had come down to two finalists; a
university graduate and an old aboriginal. They were given a word, then
allowed two minutes to study the word and come up with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was ' TIMBUKTU '
First to recite his poem was the university graduate.
He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan
Men on camels two by two
Destination - Timbuktu .
The audience went crazy! No way could the old aborigine top that, they
The old aboriginal calmly made his way to the microphone and recited;
Me and Tim a huntin' went
Met three whores in a pop up tent
They was three, and we was two
So I buck one, and timbuktu.
On his travels a salesman checked into a futuristic hotel in Tokyo.
Deciding he needed a haircut he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
'I'm afraid not, sir,' the clerk told him apologetically, 'but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.'
Sceptical but intrigued the salesman located the machine, inserted 25.00 Yen, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later Serg pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, 'Manicures, 15.00 Yen''
Why not?' thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 1 Yen.'
The salesman could not resist. He fed one Yen into the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation stuck his dick into the opening.
When the machine started buzzing he let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off.
With trembling hands he was able to withdraw his tender unit......which now had a button sewn neatly on the end of it....
Mohammad an Arab child, entered his classroom on the first day of
school in Arkansas.
"What is your name?" asked the teacher.
"Mohammad" answered the boy.
"You are in America now. From now on your name will be Johnny"
replied the teacher.
In the evening, Mohammad returned home. "How was your day Mohammad?"
asked his mother.
"My name is not Mohammad, I am in America and now my name is
"Ah, are you ashamed of your name, are you trying to dishonor your
parents, your heritage, your religion???
SHAME ON YOU!" and she beat him. Then she called his father and he
too beat him.
The next day Mohammad returned to school. When the teacher saw him
with all the bruises she asked...
"What happened to you little Johnny"?
"Well ma'am , 4 hours after becoming an American, I was attacked by
After 35 years of marriage, Bill and Mary came for counselling. When asked what the problem was, Mary went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking Mary to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as Bill watched - with a raised eyebrow. Mary shut up and quietly sat down as though in a daze. The therapist turned to Bill and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays, but on Fridays, I fish."
You cannot post new topics in this forum You cannot reply to topics in this forum You cannot edit your posts in this forum You cannot delete your posts in this forum You cannot vote in polls in this forum