You have two choices in life:
You can stay single and be miserable,
or get married and wish you were dead.
At a cocktail party, one woman said to another,
'Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?'
'Yes, I am. I married the wrong man.'
A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds:
Next day she received a hundred letters.
They all said the same thing:
'You can have mine.'
When a woman steals your husband,
there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.
A woman is incomplete until she is married. Then she is finished.
A little boy asked his father,
'Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?'
Father replied, 'I don't know son, I'm still paying.'
A young son asked,
'Is it true Dad, that in some parts of Africa
a man doesn't know his wife until he marries her?'
Dad replied, 'That happens in every country, son.'
Then there was a woman who said,
'I never knew what real happiness was until I got married,
and by then, it was too late.'
Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
If you want your spouse to listen and
pay strict attention to every word you say -- talk in your sleep.
Just think, if it weren't for marriage, men would go through life thinking they had no faults at all.
First guy says, 'My wife's an angel!'
Second guy remarks, 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
'A Woman's Prayer:
Dear Lord, I pray for: Wisdom, To understand a man , to Love and to forgive him , and for patience, For his moods. Because Lord, if I pray for Strength I'll just beat him to death'
AND NOW FOR THE FAVORITE!!!
Husband and wife are waiting at the bus stop with their nine children.A blind man joins them after a few minutes.When the bus arrives, they find it overloaded and only the wife and the nine kids are able to fit onto the bus.
So the husband and the blind man decide to walk.After a while, the husband gets irritated by the ticking of the stick of the blind man as he taps it on the sidewalk, and says to him, 'Why don't you put a piece of rubber at the end of your stick?That ticking sound is driving me crazy.'
The blind man replies, 'If you had put a rubber at the end of YOUR stick,we'd be riding the bus, so shut up.'
Irish Medical Dictionary
The Irish have the lowest stress rate
because they do not take medical terminology seriously ...
The study of paintings
Back door to cafeteria
What doctors do when patients die
What you be, after you be eight
A neighbourhood in Rome
Searching for Kitty
Made eye contact with her
A sheep dog
A punctuation mark
To live long
Not a friend
Quicker than someone else
A small lie
Distinguished, well known
Getting hurt at work
A Doctor's cane
A higher offer
Rates of Pay for Working at Night,
Normally more money than Days
Martha recently lost her husband. She had him cremated and brought his ashes home.
Picking up the urn that he was in, she poured him out on the patio table.
Then, while tracing her fingers in the ashes, she started talking to him....
"You know that dishwasher you promised me? I bought it with the insurance money!"
She paused for a minute tracing her fingers in the ashes then said,
"Remember that car you promised me? Well, I also bought it with the insurance money!"
Again, she paused for a few minutes and while tracing her fingers in the ashes she said,
"Remember that diamond ring you promised me? Bought it too, with the insurance money!"
Finally, still tracing her fingers in the ashes, she said, "Remember that blow job I promised you?"
"Well, here it comes."
A group of 3rd, 4th and 5th graders, accompanied by two female
teachers, went on a field trip to the local race track (Randwick) to
learn about thoroughbred horses .
When it was time to take the children to the bathroom it was decided
that the girls would go with one teacher and the boys would go with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys was waiting outside the men's room
when one of the boys came out and told her that none of them could
reach the urinal.
Having no choice, she went inside, helped the boys with their pants,
and began hoisting the little boys up one by one, holding on to their
'privates' to direct the flow away from their clothes.
As she lifted one, she couldn't help but notice that he was unusually
Trying not to show that she was staring the teacher said, 'You must be in the 5th grade.'
'No, ma'am', he replied. 'I'm riding Silver Arrow in the seventh race.
But I appreciate your help.'
A family is driving down the freeway behind a garbage truck when suddenly a dildo dislodges itself and smacks on the cars windscreen. "What was that mum" young Dougie asked from the backseat. Mum says "That was an insect Dougie" to which Dougie replied "I'm surprised the insect got of the ground with a **** that big". _________________ For my fishing adventures click here: Landbased fishing rocks !!
an architect's wife wants to go out for tea with the girls but is afraid her husband will struggle with their 6 month old baby. "Of course I can handle it " he says "I design buildings every day, I can lookafter our baby for a few hours" so she reluctantly goes. After a couple of hours she is so worried she goes home to find the husband dragging the baby up and down the bath by the ears! "THATS NOT RIGHT , YOUR SUPPOST TO SUPPORT HER HEAD AND CRADLE HER NECK" "I'm not putting my hands in there" hubby says "WHY?" she asks ................."have you felt how hot that F@#%ing water is!"
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